I created the below questions as a resource for equity mediation work I was doing a few years ago. As I was exploring “What do transformative, rather than transactional, relationships FEEL like?” these blossomed. They are meant to help people relate with right-use-of-power and full consent. There are two sets of questions, one for people who are in a down-power position and one for people in an up-power position. Every time I’ve presented these in groups people have shared how deeply they’ve impacted the way they relate with others and themselves.

Many of the identities and roles we inhabit are complex and variable. While in some relationships power and rank are quite clear, others may need to explore variations of these questions or different processes all together. I hope these are supportive to some people and groups, and I recognize they’re not complete or final.

These questions and the processes that helped me formulate them are quite dear to me, if you use them please credit me. If you’re seeking to use these commercially please contact me.

Google Doc Link (same questions as below):
Transformative Relationships – Printable Resource

What do transformative relationships feel like?
Taking into account Power, Rank, Privilege & Cultural Difference

Questions to ask when I/we are interacting with people or groups with primarily dominant identities who have more systemic power. Possible examples include people who are white, benefitting from male privilege, cis, upper or owning class, non-disabled, authority figures, program directors, etc.

1- Does this person or group readily respect and prioritize my space, boundaries and needs?

1. 2- Do they make space for me to share my experience? (not interrupt, talk-over, dominate, and/or change the subject when they want to)

2. 3- Do they take what I say as credible and legitimate? (not asking me to prove myself and taking follow-up steps that show they’re taking my experience seriously)

3. 4- Are they willing to receive feedback from me without defending themselves?

4. 5- Are they willing to diminish their own sense of self (dominant identity) in order to gain a larger collective perspective?

5. 6- Am I able to speak freely and without censoring myself? (no tone policing or victim blaming)

6. 7- Are they willing to do research and work on their own time, particularly regarding privilege, rank, power and cultural difference?

7. 8- Are they willing to honestly look at their own systemic, structural, and personal privileges, rank, and power?

8. 9- Do they understand and appreciate the emotional and intellectual labor that I’m likely offering in order to be in relationship with them? (and possibly pay me for it if it’s what would be considered professional work)

9. 10- Do they honor the courage it takes for me to share how I’ve been harmfully impacted by their words or actions?

10. 11- Generally, does spending time with them feel nourishing to me?

What do transformative relationships feel like?
Taking into account Power, Rank, Privilege & Cultural Difference

Questions to ask when I/we are interacting with people or groups with primarily oppressed identities who have less systemic power:

1. 1- Has this person or group consented to being in relationship with me?

2. 2- If so, am I building an ongoing transformational relationship (rather than transactional) with them?

3. 3- Am I willing to make space for this person’s experience?

4. 4- Do I take what they say as credible and legitimate regardless of my experience or thoughts on the topic?

5. 5- Can I receive feedback from them without becoming defensive?

6. 6- Do I understand and appreciate the emotional and intellectual labor that this person is offering in order to be in relationship with me?

7. 7- Am I willing to do research on my own time regarding any subject that’s brought up?

8. 8- Am I willing to diminish my own individual sense of self in order to gain a larger perspective?

9. 9- Can I listen to them in whatever tone or words they feel like showing up with (excluding abusive behavior such as physical threats or derisive name-calling)?

10. 10- Am I keeping ongoing awareness of my power, rank, and privilege and how it shows up with this person or group?

11. 11- Can I support this person and be in solidarity with them even if it’s uncomfortable or there are negative consequences for me?